Worst NFL game ever scheduled?

TEDIOUS, Calif.

This was a parlor game. Funeral parlor.

The atmosphere in Qualcomm Stadium Thursday night was so lively the Chargers cheerleaders wore black, said rosaries and wept. The only way it could have been worse is if they honored Bud Selig.

To practice for this battle this week, Chargers coach Mike McCoy piped in silence.

Oh, the fans tried at times, bless their hearts (even a dreaded wave). But empty seats prevailed.

It wasn’t the Chargers’ fault. Nor were the Arizona Cardinals, the final exhibition opponent, to blame for this foolishness conjured up by supposedly intelligent individuals.

This maybe, possibly, probably, definitely, was the dumbest NFL game ever scheduled. Served was a football treat mixed with an ocean of vanilla. I’m totally against blackouts, but this one was made for it. They’re charging for torture now.

Exhibition games stink, but the last ones of any preseason always are the worst, made for coaches and fringe players still trying to make the final roster. Starters rarely play. No Charger did, except for the kickers. Many second-teamers with a chance to play plenty also sat, for good reason.

These. Games. Do. Not. Matter.

This. Game. Really. Did. Not. Matter.

You see, the Chargers open their regular season Sept. 8 at well, yeah, uh, that’s right, at Arizona.

What?

You know me. I like to kid around. But not this time. We can’t make this stuff up. Through the magic of NFL scheduling, these two teams will play an authentic game in 11 days.

Under normal August conditions, the exhibition cognoscenti will attest -- I put myself among them, having suffered through scores of these things -- that coaches show next to nothing of what they have planned for legitimate activities. It’s the wise thing to do, of course, the huge drawback being it costs authentic-game money to attend.

If you watched the Chargers when Don Coryell coached them, they’d go through an entire preseason without putting anybody in motion. It was baby food-bland, and not much has changed since. Not one coach has been fired over a bad exhibition season, and they simply aren’t going to show their hand for no good reason.

And this game was beyond no good reason.

McCoy hadn’t shown much of anything through the first three August games, and of course never would even open his bag much for the fourth. But for this one, it was sewn shut. Arizona was going to get nothing out of the Chargers, and the Chargers weren’t going to get anything out of Arizona.

San Diego’s 53-man roster basically is set, with fight room for but a few, probably at tailback (rookies Marion Grice and Branden Oliver) and swing tackle (Willie Smith and Mike Harris). Of course, 10 practice squad spots will be filled by Saturday’s final cutdown.

So, in a way, this game was not fair to the wannabees. They were given more chances than they normally would get, but they also had to play in snowshoes. It’s hard to strut your stuff when you’re confined to quarters. It’s difficult to be all you can be with creativity deliberately stuffed.

Not that good things can’t come out of these. We were talking before the game and I said I thought Grice was a better prospect than Oliver, who’s not a stiff. I may not know much, but I know something about running backs, who like great center fielders and racehorses, are my favorites.

Grice didn’t let me down. He ran hard and very well. He just seems to have it. Some do, some don’t. He also has size, 6-feet, 202, can cut and doesn’t go down easily.

McCoy even gambled a bit -- something he never would do in the regular season on a fourth-and-one from an opponent’s 2-yard line with 0:02 remaining in the first half. Up 9-3, he refused a field goal try and backup quarterback Kellen Clemens’ pass was intercepted by corner Jimmy Legree and returned 68 yards to the Chargers’ 35. Time had expired, but a horse collar penalty moved the ball to the 20 and a field goal made it 9-6.

Rookie Tevin Reese also returned a punt 14 yards, possibly a team record for this decade.

But I was too bored to look it up.

Final: Chargers 12, Cardinals 9. If you must know. I did look that up.

sezme.godfather@gmail.com Twitter: @sdutCanepa